Multi-talented entertainer Wayne Brady, host of the podcast “Wayne Brady’s What If?! with Jonathan Magnum,” discusses dismantling toxic masculinity, prioritizing self-care, and the importance of sharing his mental health journey.
Many men feel pressure to “man up” and suppress their emotions. What advice would you give to men who feel trapped by this mindset?
Do away with the toxic masculinity in your life. It’s toxic because it’s poison. It’s poison to ourselves, how we see each other, the way we feel that we have to act, and the swagger we feel that we have to put on display when trying to attract someone. We need to let ourselves cry, especially in the Black community. All of the things that we’ve been told we’re not supposed to do, or we’re supposed to do because we are men, throw those out the window. To me, it’s about: Who do you want to be as a person? What’s your gold standard for being a person? What’s your gold standard for being a partner, a friend, a father, a lover? If we can start filling in those boxes, then for me, it takes care of itself. Then my head isn’t in, “I have to be this type of man” if I take care of those questions. I end up being the man I want to be, just by trying to be a good person.
How do you prioritize self-care while balancing relationships and your career?
You have to prioritize self-care because if you don’t, and you put your career first, you’ll start to lose your career. You can’t put your career in front of the things that are important. We’ve been fed the lie, ‘I have to earn, I’m a man.” But you must put your health first — therapy and taking care of yourself physically — so that you can show up. If you show up for yourself, then you can show up for others. The balance to me is to put your health first, and everything will balance out.
What were some pivotal moments in your mental health journey that changed your perspective on self-care and emotional well-being?
I knew that I needed to truly engage with my mental health journey when my daughter felt she couldn’t share what she was doing with my ex-wife and her partner because she didn’t want to make me mad or hurt my feelings. I was putting my sense of inadequacy first, and scaring this poor child so that she couldn’t even share her day with me. That’s when I knew that I needed to get myself together. I also knew I needed to get myself together on my 40th birthday when I broke down after I dropped my daughter off at school because of the crushing loneliness that I felt. I was surrounded by all these people every single day, and I was incredibly lonely. I knew that I needed to address that.
How did your upbringing and experiences as a Black man in the entertainment industry shape your understanding of mental health?
I was too busy, at some point, trying to prove my Blackness to myself and others. That takes a toll in this business. It’s very hard to just be yourself, and when you’re working hard at putting on the suit of armor, or the suit of acceptance, and then you’re an actor, or you’re trying to be other people, on camera or off camera, it’s too much.
I knew that what I needed was to not worry about whether I would get in trouble or lose my job if I said something; I just needed to learn to step into myself and go, ‘Hey, this is me. I don’t have to prove anything to you.’ By “you,” I mean I don’t have to prove anything to Hollywood, and I don’t have to prove anything within my own community. Hopefully, you’ll just see who I am. When I let go of that fight, it helped my mental health journey because the anxiety and the weight that comes with proving yourself 24/7 is mind-numbing.
You’ve been incredibly open about your struggles with mental health. What inspired you to share your story so publicly?
I really needed to be open with my journey, because I have a platform. I have visibility, and as a Black man with other Black people and now other queer people looking at me, I wanted to use that platform for good. If you’re going to watch me, yeah, I want to make you laugh, but I also want to make you think. I want to make you feel safe, and I want to challenge your beliefs and expectations. So, I had to start to get myself right before I could speak to anyone else.
What message do you hope to leave for future generations of men struggling with mental health?
Be strong for you. Be strong so that you can be the person you want to be. Show up for yourself, so you can show up for others. And laugh. Laughing makes us happy.
